Healing Through Play: How Football Helped Kayden Trust Again

Kayden, 12, was referred for play therapy by his school due to escalating violent behaviour towards his peers. Staff were struggling to support him, and his actions were becoming increasingly difficult to manage. 

Kayden currently lives with his grandparents. His father was left disabled after a serious car accident, and his mother left the family when Kayden was just four years old. Prior to this separation, Kayden had been exposed to both domestic and sexual abuse. After his mother left, he was placed in care, where he suffered further racial and physical abuse. At age seven, his grandparents took him in, though they admitted that his behaviour was often overwhelming. 

One thing Kayden loves is football. During therapy sessions, he would find ways to incorporate the sport, often making footballs out of scrunched paper and tape. Frequently, he would kick the makeshift ball at the therapist, not to hurt her, but seemingly to startle her. When she flinched, he would laugh. He would also hurl critical comments, telling her she was "no good," and if she managed to score a goal, he would often become visibly upset. 

His therapist recognised that, on a subconscious level, Kayden was inviting her to experience the emotions he was carrying—rejection, inadequacy, fear, and anger. 

Rather than correcting or punishing these behaviours, the therapist used reflective techniques to help Kayden process his emotions. She responded to his critical remarks by saying things like, “You want me to know that I’m not good at this,” or “I wonder how you want me to feel when you say I’m rubbish.” By reflecting his words without judgment or interpretation, she helped Kayden feel heard and understood. 

When he shouted or became upset, she remained calm, sometimes tapping her own body to regulate her nervous system. She might say, “You’re upset that I scored a goal. Is there another way you can show me? Because I don’t know how to feel when you shout at me.” When Kayden kicked the ball at her head, she responded with, “I feel vulnerable, I’m wondering if you want to hurt me?” In doing so, she modelled how to name feelings calmly and honestly, laying the groundwork for emotional literacy. 

Throughout the sessions, the therapist also had opportunities to model healthy winning and losing behaviours, something Kayden had little previous experience with. These moments became small but significant lessons in emotional regulation, social interaction, and trust. 

Importantly, the football-based play helped build a safe and positive relationship, not only with an adult, but with a female adult, which had likely been fraught for Kayden due to his early experiences. For many weeks, Kayden assumed the therapist wouldn’t return after a session. He believed she wouldn’t like him. In fact, he seemed to test this belief—throwing his most difficult behaviours at her, almost daring her to leave, expecting rejection. 

But she came back. Every week. She didn’t try to change him—she accepted him fully. 

And that’s where the work truly began.